The beginning of the end of a new beginning…

I keep asking myself what’s something unique and unusual that I can write about? The answer has been here allllll along.. I want to write about my actual life. I want to write about the raw moments that pass by me everyday. I want to explain the struggles of certain things that only a mother and/or father have to go through. I wanna voice my feelings, I want to voice my MY OPINIONS, MY THOUGHTS… Not about whether I think trump should be in office or not.. Or about how Bill Cosby forever changed my view on “The Cosby Show” & “Kids say the darndest things”. I loved that show though!! I just want to voice who I am and who I inspire to be. My dreams, my goals, the endless possibilities I have in life. I’ll maybe even talk about my deepest darkest fears and secrets. Who wouldn’t want to hear that?

I’m sure everyone thinks they can write. Well guess what?? I know I’m not one of America’s top 1000 bloggers, but you bet your ass I’m going to try my best! Who wouldn’t want to know everybody else’s insecurities? You would have so much leverage, so maybe I’ll just share a few! What’s a possible topic to be talked about is my childhood, and how I was brought up.That’s obviously a big part of why I am who I am and why I do what I do.
There are parts of my life that I just want to forget and throw in a black hole forever. I’ve been able to do that, but we all know it’s a temporary fix. Unfortunately, it seems like my brain never forgets those crappy memories. So, one day the black hole spits that dump of a memory right out & it never fails to be at the wrong time. Everybody has their challenges they go through in life. My challenge includes everything always happening at the wrong time. When I say that I mean it! Whenever life is going good, you know when there’s no sick children and no arguments with your significant other. I never thought of ” being jinxed” as being a real thing. Until, I realized I said “everything was going good” a few too many times. It wasn’t until about 7 months later, that had jinxed myself every single time! So if you ask how Im doing, I’ll always reply with “everything is awful!” Even if things are good!
Well, let’s sago back to this black hole! I’m always amazed when the black hole wants to take a dump randomly, even when they’re the good memories. To think a smell, a place, a thing or maybe a person had just reminded me of whatever it was. We still have to pull ourselves together and go on with life. Even if we’re depressed. We still have to get through that day even if we’re miserable on the couch not moving for multiple hours. Sit where you are silently for a minute and just think about yesterday. Think about what you did, where you went, any mistakes any regrets? If you learned something from your answers, or maybe you don’t like your response. Guess what? The only thing that even remotely matters is if you learned something from your actions, or will be able to in the future. Thinking about the past is always a big thing with me. I’ve made many mistakes, so when I look back at them most of the time I can’t even begin to believe how I’ve made the same awful mistake more than once. I hate getting down on myself , but we all do it. We can never relive that first mistake again. So in way, we think to ourselves it’s going to be different this time. For me though, it never is. Which shows me I don’t take the time to learn why I made the mistake in the god damn first time.
In the end Life is life, whether you’re purple, green, yellow, brown, blue, red, pink, magenta, black or gray. Tall, short, meaty or boney. We are all alike, we just run our lives in a different way. In the end we all wake up eat, go to work, shit, go to school, or whatever it is that we do and hopefully sleep! Then, we eat again, work some more, go home eat again, shit, and then if it’s possible relax. Before you know it you’re sleeping getting your body ready for the next day to do the same shit all over AGAIN!
My boyfriend one day while eating dinner had said “just think about all the people eating dinner right now.” That one phrase blew my mind. Seriously, because think about how many people are making and eating dinner at this very moment. Now imagine all of those people were all at one table!!!! The table would be..well extremely long. Now that I’m thinking about life. Does anyone else feel like the parts of the world you haven’t been too are invisible to you? I mean obviously besides where you live? Like, right now since I can’t picture the people in Greece, Australia, or Asia. They don’t exist to me. Not until I actually see that part of the world with my own two eyes, will I know there’s life there. History and everything in the past, is in the past. It’s just so insane to think about all of that.
I know I’m a little all over the place. Talking about different topics, but in the end they all tie into each other more or less. On the days I make sense I’m probably manic.. #Mommyproblems
Until next time my friends.. (My son is beating the door with his car he pushes around, because he wants to go (“ohh-sighhh”).. In baby language that means outside.

A healthcare workers normal day

“One of my residents passed away on the 21st.and I was one of the only ones that they had liked and I am so sad that I couldn’t have been there with him and I don’t know how to cope with it. A lot of my family and co-workers always tell me my heart is toooo big. But I don’t believe in such a thing.” http://www.sanvello.com/community/post/11ntiak 864125

Living nightmare

Frightened relationship

Myself, my boyfriend (at the time) and our son moved into a 3 bedroom house in south Massachusetts around March of 2017 with our 4 month old son at the time. Two days into moving in we were under a lot of stress due to cleaning out all of his family’s old belongings . His family was over to help us out with cleaning and decluttering. Once his family left we relaxed and the finished cleaning up.

Around 1 A.M we got in an argument over something ridiculous. So he was so hysterically angry he told me to leave. I don’t think he expected me to really leave because once I started getting my son in the car seat he went ballistic.
All of the sudden I felt this awful blow to my right eye socket & another. I was scared and shaken to the bone. I was bleeding immediately, crying hysterically & my eye swelled up so bad you could barely see it. I threatened to call the cops and he told me if I did, that I would ruin the chance of us having our own home together.

Well the next day his whole family came back over to help with the rest of the cleaning. As soon as his mother, his step-father and extended aunts and especially his uncle new what happened but just kept their mouth shut. Our story was that I tripped onto a T.V wall mount. This wall mount was so small it fit like a 30″ t.v honestly it could of been a 28″ t.v so this thing was small. Hitting this t.v mount on the wall would have not given me a a black swollen eye. I literally looked like I got in a brawl & I lost.

I never thought I would be that person. I alway said if I ever get physically abused I would leave immediately. The first time it happened, his apology seemed so sincere and heartfelt. Since I was blinded by his love I believed every word he said. Unfortunately, it was right then and there I knew our relationship would never be the same ever again. Boy, was I right! The mental & emotional abuse started picking up 10X more. In a way I felt as though I was in prison. I was told when to get up, when to go to bed, what my list of chores I had to do while I watched and fed the baby. While he was in bed watching T.V or in the basement playing video games. Everything & anything I did was controlled by him.

Well, that definitely was NOT the last time. Even though the controlling emotional and mental abuse continued I still never thought he would put his hands on me again. It happened a month or two later. This time I could tell just by his demeanor something bad was going to happen. I’m not sure how it happened but he hit me & put a gash right smack dab in the middle of my forehead. This time I was dragged down the hall by my hair with my 1 year son in my arms. My son screaming because he’s so frightened.

This kept going on, scars, bruises, missing hair. Mental, physical, & emotional abuse. Why didn’t I put a stop to it? I always thought if I was ever in this situation I’d leave right away. To my surprise it wasn’t that easy. That’s when I finally realized why all these woman stayed for so long. I finally understood why they couldn’t leave. Fear was the main factor as well as the threats I was told almost on a daily basis.

This happened for 1 more year with the same old thing, the same old abuse. Finally, one day it happened on November 10th, 2018 and he made me bleed a lot. This wasn’t the first time I bleed but I bleed enough that something had to be done, especially with an almost two year old in the house. I bleed enough that it scared the living daylights out of me. So I called the cops. He got arrested and I unfortunately got 4 staples on the top right side of my head. I was completely done.

Never thinking I was going to be living in an abusive relationship. I was mad at MYSELF! Imagine that, I was being abused, but here I am questioning my own sanity, my own thoughts, and my surroundings. Were they even real anymore? I had no idea. To tell you the truth till this day…I still question everything that went wrong. Was it my fault? What did I do wrong?

As the years go by…we still never had the correct closure…why do I even want closure with someone who beat me to a pulp? Is it because he’s the father of my child? Or is it something else? I still don’t know. As of right now I’m in therapy, digging deep down into my past and present issues. I have a great therapist, and I just pray everyday that we come to a conclusion or an ending to all this pain & suffering. Truthfully not a day goes by that I don’t think about those three scary years.

One thing I do know is I need to stop blaming myself. I know I did nothing wrong. I took care of my child all by myself. I took care of the house and all its chores outside and inside. I put my all into this house that I thought of as ours and I get shitted on in the end. Like I said not a day goes by that all of this doesn’t cross my mind. It kills me that it consumes my head, my actions, and how I go about my daily duties.

I know one day I’ll be healed. I just hope it’s one day soon so I can live a normal life. It’s already been a long road. I know it’s going to continue to be a long road. I just hope I can make it through it without breaking down. I want to live a normal life, and not allow some dumb woman beater to rule my thoughts. It’s gonna take A LOT of work but I know I strong enough to be able to get through this living nightmare.

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